I’m lonely, a lot. Most people think or suggest I just need time to myself and suggest I go do xyz but to be honest, I spend a ton of time alone. I also don’t need to go do too much because I’m really great and spending money lol. My husband works for the railroad and is usually only home 2.5 days a week which leaves little time for us as a family and even less time for just the two of us. He is usually worn out from a week away at work and driving so when we hang out in the evenings, it’s watching tv mostly. I live for summer when our neighbors and us get together and hang out one night and our kids play, winter is awful here!!
I also don’t get to see friends all that often, many don’t live super close and the majority of them work during the day during the school year at least as many are teachers. I am super, and I mean super grateful for the friendships I have made with my mommy friends I’ve made since having Hunter, and so thankful for the times we are able get together outside of their scheduled activities. Our kids get to play and we get a chance to have a real conversation with an adult.
I do miss my friendships outside of kids though, when we were able to go do things without having to plan for a sitter (not that we ever get one lol), or leaving our kids with dad and feeling a bit guilty for not having time with just them, or if we do get away then worrying about the kids. I don’t worry that he isn’t taken care of it’s more about his speech issues and if whoever does have him is able to help and understand him and if they are using the tools and techniques I’ve tried to tell them about for him to use his words or are they just snapping photos and letting him play independently. One thing I’ve learned is that you cannot just make or ask a child with a speech delay to say x because they don’t, many actually shut down or ignore you because well that’s just how it is, ask an SLP.
Winter is dreary here, lots of cloudy days, rain, cold, and then the germs make almost any parent dread going to too many places for fear of the flu or stomach virus. I love being a stay at home mom but it’s lonely. People who I know did it for their kids and say that it was all wonderful make me grit my teeth and truly want to throat punch them. They act like I’m being ungrateful and that their days were or are always filled with sunshine and happiness and is a complete line of bullshit and a sure fire way to make me feel shitty. Those comments are just as painful as when or if someone were to tell a working mom that someone else is raising their kids. Those comments are NOT ok and flat out fucking rude. Working moms are amazing, and they are doing what is best for their family! Yes, we have fantastic days and I’m sure many do but there are rough days, sometimes in a row, sometimes the tough days stand out more because they overwhelm us with exhaustion and or feelings for guilt or failure. I struggle the most in the winter with these feelings, the true definition of the winter time blues.
I don’t really have a huge family support system. Unfortunately, my mom and I do not have much of a relationship and she lives 1000 miles away. Which is good, honestly my relationship with her was so toxic while I was pregnant with H and so terrible that when I chose to cut off the majority of that relationship it was a huge relief. I know most will never understand that. Will I regret it one day? Possibly. Will we ever have the chance to mend our relationship? Umm I don’t know to be honest. Maybe I’ll write about that one day but it’s incredibly painful and personal.
We have family but they aren’t close by or are often busy. I can’t ask someone to just come watch the kids while I go to dinner with my husband or have a friends night. I know people who get to do so much and are able utilize their families for keeping their kids on occasion and for us it seems to be a huge ordeal that often times becomes a pain and in the end, we’d rather just stay in at the end. I don’t want to send H 2-2.5 hours away to my in laws, I just don’t. I have my reasons and I don’t have to share them and people can think it’s ridiculous, that’s ok. We also have a dog and if we wanted to go somewhere and had to take him there then we also have to make a plan for her to go somewhere else. Again, it’s a pain and I’d rather someone be here, plus it’s where everything is and one less thing for me to have to worry about gathering to take somewhere. It’s also hard to plan anything last minute which is usually our case due to my husband’s schedule and sometimes things with others just get planned late.
Currently my husband is having to work a different shift and while it should only last a few more weeks, I hate it. He is having to leave on Saturdays instead of Sundays. While friends are busy doing family things or out with friends on Saturdays I’m stuck at home with my little boy. It’s fine until he goes to bed and then I’m stuck by myself….again. Saturday night TV is boring.
I know I need to do a better job and making more time for just my husband and I as a couple as well as time just with friends and finding a good sitter that we can call and not have to hope someone can drive here from 2 hours away or that someone isn’t busy. I know I have to do that for my sanity and for my relationships. It’s my goal this year, it really is!
I hope in this post I don’t haven’t hurt any family members feelings when I say I don’t want to send my kid off during this time, it wasn’t my intention, just my feelings and my truth whether they feel the same way or not. I also don’t want people to go ohh poor Jordan either, and offer help that’s an empty offer. I’ve tried making plans with family and/or friends and a lot of time they then can’t do whatever it is (I know things unexpectedly come up), or they forget and made plans to do something else. It’s a let down though. People also sometimes make plans then tell me too late to try and find someone to help with H and I miss out.
Last summer was great, it was the first time since having H I have enjoyed myself. I did a lot with a friend who had a little boy close to H’s age and we were also able to go on vacation with them. We were all able to enjoy each other, have a drink, laugh at our kids, stay up late, and so on. I hope we don’t ever lose their friendship, it saved me last summer. I also sooooo sooooo enjoyed our neighbors and our nights outside hanging out with the kids and even after they went to bed. We need a bigger home but god I don’t ever want to leave them. Neighbors like we have don’t exist everywhere. But in the winters it’s harder to see these people, some are teachers, kids are school aged and have activities, and well it’s cold and wet here so it’s not so easy to get together. Have I mentioned how much I hate how long, boring, and dreary our winters are here in Kentucky.
I think a lot of my stress and loneliness are tied together, I’m working on it and trying to make myself a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, in law, friend, and so on. I hope it’s something I can continue to focus on because I do want to be those things in a better happier form for everyone.
Real Parenting Topics & Struggles 