Gender Disappointment….it’s a real thing!

My first topic, it’s a big one but it’s been one of the most recent things I have gone through. I don’t like to post about controversial topics whether it be politics or whatever but I have thought long and hard and have gone back and forth on sharing or discussing this with people, especially just the internet and social media. I have a small group of people I have been open with and I am thankful for their support.

Let me just say gender disappointment is real. We had two little girl names chosen, Holly Kate or Emma Kate (still no name yet for boy #2), I had the perfect vision of her little room all planned out in my head, darling brother/sister matches I was hoping to buy, all the wonderful big brother and little sister moments they would share, all the plans and dreams I had for us two girls all planned in my head. Then the ultrasound came and they said “ITS A BOY!”, I sat there and said ok and that was all. I know I probably sounded like a crap mom for sounding less than excited. But before I go on, let’s get one thing straight, I am beyond thankful and blessed to be pregnant so far with a healthy child, so do NOT mistake my sadness for a girl for being ungrateful. Ok anyways, I didn’t cry until I got in the car, I cried on and off for several days and randomly still do. I didn’t want to talk about it at first but writing that non existent little girl a letter and a poem titled “no little girl” did give me some peace. I’ve mourned it and am moving on and am trying to find happiness in the love of another boy. I don’t dislike boys, I love my Hunter more than all the stars and I know I’ll love this next one just as much. I’m just sad that I’m going to miss out on the opportunities that girl moms and dads get to have but will have my own opportunities with my boys that will just be different.
I have always pictured my life with 1 boy and 1 girl, the very best of both worlds but God has different plans for me. Is that plan that a girl was just not what I needed in life or that maybe I should be more open to a third? And yes, I do know that even if I were to have a third it does not guarantee a girl. But I’m not sure, I don’t know what God has planned for me right now other than to be a boy mom at the moment. Will we have a third? Who knows, if this little boy isn’t a preemie then maybe but that’s a big time maybe. That’s a different story for another day though and thoughts I haven’t truly spent much time on as I’m just trying and hoping for this baby to be healthy.
Gender disappointment I think can happen to men too, when they get all girls. I think they absolutely adore their girls just like I’ll adore my boys but wonder “man what if I had that boy”. Maybe not, but I think that it’s possible that both men and woman go through it, even if it’s short lived. I’ve read comments that have stuck out like “boy moms don’t get to match or have fun”, or “girl moms get all the drama”, “I don’t know how they do it will all girls/boys”, or my recent favorite “lets make all the boy moms jealous, look how freaking cute these matching shoes are for us girls” and so on. Those comments are insensitive and truthfully make me sad and sometimes mad. I have a dramatic and sensitive little boy and we do have a few matching things and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. I’ve also read where people have said that people who only have kids for a specific gender don’t deserve children, insert eye roll and a major f you, they are also the people who probably think they’re parenting is perfection, enter another eye roll. People who experience this never said we won’t and don’t love our babies and pray they’re healthy but sad we aren’t getting to experience what we had maybe hoped and dreamed for in our lives.
This is different from people who struggle with infertility or miscarriage. My heart aches for families who go through this, it truly does. I have friends who have traveled that path in life and I have cried, prayed, and hoped nothing but a beautiful and healthy baby for them to love and wrap their arms around one day. Their sadness is different and yes, most certainly more painful.
I just feel so many people are told how they are suppose to feel and then feel like they can’t say what they truly want because of the backlash of being a “crap mom” or that they sound ungrateful or ridiculous for their feelings. People talk about breastfeeding v formula, co sleep & bed sharing v alone in the baby’s room in a crib, we talk about how the baby is born which by the way is no ones damn business, and how we should embrace it all and everyone’s feelings and choices, but we don’t talk about enough about post part depression or about gender disappointment. It’s real, not just to me, I know a few who have said they’ve struggled with one or both and I hope that somewhere in all of this someone will say thank you for sharing this and making feel normal or ok, or that some of the people I know who think I’m being dramatic or ridiculous or ungrateful will maybe take a minute and understand me a little more. That’s my hope anyways, if not then oh well I guess. Maybe I will regret posting this if people are rude or think I’m shit but I needed to say it, I wanted people to maybe understand that just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not thrilled with another baby and that won’t I love him because I do and for people to stop avoiding the topic around me or anyone in general.

Also, there are probably grammatical errors in this and my thoughts may seem a bit scattered as I am writing this as it is well past midnight but I’m up with lovely acid reflex. And yes, I care about grammar/spelling because they drive me nuts typically but don’t feel the need to edit this even though I will probably re read it and cringe for those mistakes I do end up finding lol.